So I haven’t been writing lately…
…as evidenced by the infrequency of recent posts. Instead, I have been thinking—about who I am when no one else is around; about what my daily choices say regarding my character and desires; about the influence of society, friends, etc., on my identity; about what will happen this year and in five years.
New Year’s is supposed to be a time of redefinition. But what if you begin to realize you’re not completely sure who you are?
I’m not saying this realization is bad. I think it’s necessary for me at this time. In fact, I feel that this year is going to be one of change for me … changes that might not seem major to other people, but will be for me. Or at least that is my hope and prayer for 2008.
The problem lies in being willing to let the L-rd change me. I feel like I’ve spent the last few weeks and months flailing in an incoherent, impotent frustration, unsure of my place and identity. It’s why I’ve been so antsy in the prayer room and in my personal prayer times. I think the L-rd is trying to speak to me, but I’m not at a point where I can settle down enough to let myself hear Him.
I like all my ducks in a row. Right now they seem to be running all over the place. I’m 23 and I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up or where I fit, except that I want to love the L-rd with everything in me and that I need to be around other people who feel the same way. Is that life vision adequate? Why was I sent to this ministry at this time in my life and in IHOP’s life? Where am I going and who am I going to be next?
Questions, questions. I think they’re drowning out the answers. I need to find my rest in G-d. I’m grateful for this Friend who continues to love me and call me out in who I am despite (and because of) my confusion. I’m grateful also for friends and family who will counsel me, listen to me, and just hang out and let me be myself (which is a work in progress).
I process by writing but I don’t tend to share my written vulnerabilities with many people. But I think I’m not alone in what I’m feeling, especially around this time of year, so I wanted to share this post with you. And now that I’ve emotionally info-dumped on you … how are you guys doing? Where do you feel the L-rd’s taking you this year? Please tell me I’m not the only confused, insecure lover of Jesus here!
WOW! In a way, that is how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s like the Lord is trying to teach me something, but I’m so resistant to it – even though I desire it dearly. So much is in the air with teaching and where I live and everything else…
2nd comment on your blog now.
I’ve been feeling pretty much exactly the same. Over the past year or so I’ve been told by a couple friends (and family) that I should be me more often. Well, I think I’ve finally hit on why I put on a facade so much: Because I’m scared to see who I really am. So my journey now is learning and realizing that who I am is defined by how God has called me, but I need to listen. And respond.
I, too, think by writing. And I’ve learned a lot by reading what I’ve previously written.
I pray you will discover who you are and who God wants you to be. Remember that our Lord’s timing is perfect.
And I need to listen to my own advice
At the risk of sounding like the total geezer that I am, I think you’re exactly where most 20-somethings are – in a state of flux, transition, wonderings, not-knowings, etc. It is totally normal and very common for your age! It’s what makes being 20-something both exhilirating and exasperating (not to get too alliterative on ya).
jenn, did you ever read my blog that I wrote on facebook? I think I tagged you in it. It was my attempt at describing where I was at
My dad gave me a Word that this would be a year of New Beginnings, and I am clinging to that.
Chandler- I’ve found the facade is not because you’re scared to see who you really are, but, if you are anything like me, it’s because you’re afraid when others see who you really are, they will reject you. God smiles at you, and you are his favorite. Don’t forget that!
Also- For 20 somethings everywhere, we are REALLY YOUNG (I’m about to turn 24.) And in the “real world” most of us would barely be out of grad school. I am trying to let go of that feeling I have to be totally pulled together. It’s a risk you run when you work in a giant behemoth of a ministry run almost totally by people under 40.
Hmm, yesterday I said a bunch of stuff that was about the best I could offer in my limited vision of the war
I was trembling at one point, and that’s the only time I remember that happening so far. Then I got in my car and listened to a preaching tape. It started with “Praise the Lord” (maybe, you did what you were told AND way to go bud AND it could have been better AND look to the Lord) and then soon, the reason you feel heavy is because you didn’t minister life. When I’ve repeated “I didn’t minister life”, it hasn’t been making me smile (though I am smiling now). Jesus prunes his garden, and he prunes the ones who are bearing fruit. For me it’s worse than not ministering life, I kind of asked the Lord, is it ok if I say I don’t know how to minister life? What I’m getting back is “hear”. Hear what someone else is saying, what someone else is singing, what the scriptures say, what the Lord brings to mind. Hopefully someone will say “the very thing”.
I was thinking of the drops of blood on Jesus’ brow and thinking he took that blow for all mankind. And a smile began to creep into my countenance
He took it, and he took it away. On purpose. In victory. So, what I’m feeling is *not* that. I am feeling him having taken that away.
There was a prophetic word given about the Lord in abounding meekness saying, I (that is Jesus) am the Lord, I (Jesus) am the Lord. I think he wants us to see that him being the Lord *is* the answer. Any change that is needed, he can accomplish, in fact, it’s finished.
We were led in a prayer in church to welcome the Holy Spirit to change us and I agreed (and he is). However, there were some times of obedience and suffering in obedience that I don’t want to change from, I almost want to change back to that quickening. At the same time, we’re going forward.
It’s a little frightening to not have the Lord reading the mail on a daily basis and getting so aligned that we see his cheer as the battle rages or as we rest in camp. The other side of that is that he doesn’t want us to be afraid and it’s to our advantage to ask that our travelling conditions be something we can bear (pray that it’s not winter when it’s time to travel).
Thank God he corrects us and that he watches as we respond and that when we take it too far he smiles with love, and he stays the same. Thank God he knows what it takes to keep us. He’s writing in our hearts the word, writing through the words and imagination and love of preachers.
My name is John, I’m 46, and I’m thinking I sometimes don’t have a clue. That too can be advantageous, Will you go to the right? Yes sir. How about the left? Yes sir.
God said to Abraham, Abraham, I’m going to give you a son. And Abraham said, I accept that. Isn’t that amazing? That God interacts with us in a way that allows us to say “I accept that”? The nation of Israel and the church were going to follow from his faith, being decendants of his son (the nation of Israel by lineage and the church through Israel).
Have a nice day
John Paul
*waves both hands and feet high in the air* (okay, impossible but you get the mental image?)
- you’re not the only insecure, confused lover of Jesus here… by a long shot!
i’d count myself in that category…
I’m also in a place (have been for a couple years) where I just cannot figure out who I am. And sometimes I don’t want to hear what G-d says because I’m afraid of what He will tell me about myself. I’m afraid of what He thinks about who I am right now – and I’m doubly afraid of what He wants me to become.
It’s hard to realize that we all have a purpose. Many times I feel so insignificant next to someone who’s a whiz or a Bible scholar or the President – and I think to myself, “What in the world do I have that G-d wants to use me?” I don’t even have any special talents that I can easily identify as a skill I could use to glorify G-d.
It’s like living in a swamp and I’m floundering and I think I’m even more worthless than anything in the swamp.
I don’t know…that’s where I am, I guess.